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THE SEXUAL UNDERGROUND OF DAMASCUS
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By Emily Henderson
Translated by: Amjad Baiazy
Issues of relationships and sexuality dominate every society and modern Damascus is certainly no exception. However in a society where sex is largely a taboo subject and one may have little to no first hand exposure to sexual issues except through the media how can a healthy and undistorted opinion of sexuality ever form? The further issues of sexuality are driven underground the more likely they are to misunderstood and vilified as a result. Indeed it is misunderstandings that often cause friction between and within cultures.
Sexuality in Syria is a complex issue and while I tried to understand what the term in itself means, both looking at separately and by comparing it to Western norms, I discovered that practices considered taboo, which are not necessarily apparent at first glance, such as such as premarital relations, homosexuality, prostitution and infidelity, are in fact ever present. Damascus especially, although I am not sure exclusively, has a sexual underground with many tiers and the longer that I remain here the more I discover that my initial preconceptions merely touched the surface of the reality that lies beneath.
When I first arrived in Syria, I initially and rather naively envied what I saw as a simple way to make absolutely certain that the other person was interested in the relationship for reasons beyond carnal desire. Remove the temptation from both persons involved and sex no longer becomes the paramount issue. You are then free to focus on more intellectual and spiritual connections. How I long to enter into a relationship where I know that the person is interested in me as a person and not as an object. However I have come to realize that removing the temptation on the surface level does not mean that it does not exist, it just drives the issue deeper into the subconscious, both of the individual and the culture. When ideas of sexuality are not discussed in the open they are naturally going to be more prone to suffer distortions through misinterpretation and confusion.
Indeed even the link between sex and relationships can be misinterpreted. For if neither are spoken about and they are placed in the same category without discussion then arguably more pressure will be placed upon a young couple to enter into sexual relations, perhaps through a preconceptions that this is the norm and is therefore expected of them. Although sex and relationships are undeniably linked they are also separate issues in themselves, for you can undoubtedly find one without the other. However the tenuous link between the two is often confusing even in those parts of the world where it is discussed openly. For what is a relationship without sexual attraction, is it anything more than a friendship? And if you are able or willing to 'de sex' your partner, then will this lead to the pursuit of other, perhaps more perverse, avenues of sexuality. On the flip side is sexual attraction with no emotional or intellectual connection any basis for a relationship – for undoubtedly more is needed than lust to sustain a healthy and balanced connection. If relationships are not discussed in the open there is nothing preventing all sorts of unnatural theories resulting –sex is love, sex is necessary to prove your love or on the other side of the coin that all sexual actions are to be placed in one shameful category of sinful corruption.
In England I once overheard a group of men talking, categorizing women into two groups- those that they could 'have fun with' and those that they would marry. Though this concerned me somewhat, I now realize that this opinion is apparent in many societies, and Syria is no exception. Prostitution and infidelity are but two examples of a disconnection between sex and relationships. Although the West has by all accounts a bad reputation for both, I now realize that this is not because they happens more but rather because they are talked about more. I have lost count of the married men who have approached me here and left little doubt in my mind as to their intentions. Talking to one male friend, also a foreigner, it seems that Syrian women can disconnect the two just as easily. In a class that he teaches he often gets telephone numbers thrust at him with ambiguous invitations to tea. I have heard rumors even that sexual activities with different partners actually increases after marriage, as it is more socially acceptable to be seen with members of the opposite sex. Whether this last theory is true or not, the point remains that the disassociation between sex and relationships can cause a myriad of problems and confusion as to the nature of both.
Dating between young couples occurs in Syria, but in many cases this is done in secret. When secrecy is paramount no confidence can be assumed and therefore less advice or guidance can be given. Young people walk blind into both sexual and non sexual relationships with the opposite sex and many may carry only the preconceptions of what they see through Western television. The media portrayal of sexuality and relationships in the West is severely distorted, and it causes me concern that this arguably forms the basis of relationship guidance in areas such as Syria, where relationships and sex are taboo and therefore not discussed. For although impressionable western teenagers are exposed the same distortions, indeed perhaps even more uncensored versions, they also have more access to more balanced relationship and sexual advice, if not through parents or schooling then through government run institutions such as sexual advice clinics. These institutions provide an invaluable service as they allow a person access to unbiased and unjudgmental advice, allowing the individual to truly understand themselves and their attitudes towards relationships effectively. Without
these roots of guidance the individual is left on their own. They have no way of telling what is 'real' and what has been exaggerated for entertainment purposes. In other words when sex is driven underground as perverted, it is actually more prone to becoming perverted through naivety and ignorance.
Openly talking about sexual and relationship issues can create an honesty and understanding between the individuals based on mutual respect and not on sex. Perhaps in fact by having the option of sexual interaction in a relationship you can realize the sexual motivations of the other person more easily. If they abstain then you know that this is not out of duty. Equally if they refuse to abstain when requested then their sexual motivation is obvious.
Being a lone female western traveler you are often placed in a category of your own; namely that of the 'easy' and sex crazed foreigner. It was only a few days after I arrived in Damascus when I first heard the term 'fishing'. This is a frequently used phrase that describes how a man will befriend woman, gain her trust and then 'fish' her to a pre determined friend, by cultivating her opinion of him. Although this may be rife within Damascene culture itself, I have only heard it being used in reference to foreigners, though admittedly this may be due to my social positioning more than anything else. Talking to one Syrian acquaintance about this practice he openly admitted that it was better to be involved with a foreigner as dating Syrian women "caused too much trouble". The foreign women had different attitudes and different expectations of what a relationship entailed. I am not going to disagree with this, as I do believe that there is an element truth in his statement. Western culture does by all accounts have a different attitude towards such issues and this would naturally be reflected within the foreign community here. The foreigners arrive, study Arabic a few months or so and then leave, no complications, just easy and hassle free relationships. However this is only one side of the coin. To say that all foreigners would be open to having a sexual relationship, is akin to saying that all Syrians would not enter into a relationship at all.
What this acquaintance said did intrigue me, not just for his perceptions of foreigners but also by his unknowing admission that his sexual desires have to have an outlet. In his own words he admitted that as his desires largely couldn't be satisfied within relationships with Syrian females, at least in the way he wished, then he would look elsewhere; namely with foreigners. He also implied that many of his contemporaries satisfy themselves with prostitutes or even other males. Indeed I hear frequent complaints that the rate of homosexuality ,prostitution and strip clubs is increasing dramatically. I do not know whether this is in fact the case or whether people are more aware of the issues, but nonetheless these are all apparent in Damascene culture. It is also noticeable that many view this underground world as a direct result of Western depravity and relaxed social constraints, but I do not believe this to be the case. The West may be the messenger, in that it allows people to openly talk about sexual acts and diversions from what the 'norm', but it is not actually the cause of them. It is a fact that homosexuality and prostitution existed long before the Western culture as it is seen today was formed. Despite this much of Syrian society seems to completely ignore, or at least not acknowledge in the open, the existence of such sexual practices in Syria, preferring to see them as a largely Western phenomenon. This is an attempt to disconnect Syrian society with anything overtly sexual and view it as Western or at least of Western influence, thus preserving the façade of purity.
When I first heard about an area in Damascus in which prostitution was rife and taxis would wait patiently to take clientele to brothels, I have to admit I was eager to see it first hand. It came as something of a shock to me when I was informed that this was none other than Martyr's Square, an area that I frequently pass through, but have never even felt a hint that I was in one of the sexual underbellies of Damascus. I was similarly shocked when I was told of the sheer amount of brothels and strip clubs in existence. It was something that I had never even considered before. Interestingly the majority of prostitutes in Syria are not in fact Syrian. The reasons for this are the subject for a whole other article but I do wonder if this is in part because the desire of the clientele is to disengage itself from all reality and indulge in a fully formed fantasy of Western debauchery? Perhaps being serviced by a Syrian prostitute would perhaps hit far to close to home, would ruin the illusion of Syrian purity and Western depravity. Prostitution is perhaps the most obvious way of disconnecting sex from reality and by removing any hint of reality from the situation the fantasy can be indulged in full.
However despite all of these manifestations resulting from the cultural attitude of sex, I do not wish to imply that there are not genuine and devout attitudes. A good friend of mine exposed me to the other side of the sexual coin barely a few weeks ago. He has vowed to himself that he will not engage in any sexual act, and by this he means any sort of physical contact beyond a handshake, before marriage. He only divulged this information to me after a certain element of trust had been created between us, and I think it was in part a way of apologizing. After he had told me of a recent success of his in my excitement and happiness for him I attempted to give him a hug, as is customary and in no way considered sexual in my culture. He backed off and I immediately realized my mistake and rather embarrassed quickly shook his hand instead. A few days later he brought the issue up, and we both began apologizing profusely for the incident. Subsequently he described to me how he viewed any kind of contact with a woman, bar a handshake, as something sacred that he wanted to share only with the woman that he was going to be with for the rest of his life. His constant use of the word 'purity' made me realize that for him sexuality or any kind of closeness is so much more than a physical act. It transcends his own physical desires and is to be viewed as entirely sacred. I couldn't help but ask if he was nervous about being close to a woman for the first time, to which he simply said that when it was right it would be right and he would have no need to be nervous. This complete and utter faith in what he wanted and needed I felt and still feel to be entirely genuine.
However I think that this sort of commitment is rarer than many would like to believe. I only mention my friend as he showed to me that it does exist, a fact that admittedly I was beginning to doubt. As any foreign woman walks down the street it becomes quickly apparent that this is not the prevalent attitude. Constant stares and frequent declarations of love are part of everyday life as a foreign woman in Syria. I have no doubt that love, or at least how I see it is not actually what they mean but I cannot help but wonder if we would get so much unwanted attention should sex not be such a taboo subject. In other words, are these declarations themselves merely another small way of transcending the disallowed? Although there are many examples of such hassling in Western culture, it is not largely received from individuals who appear to actually believe that some sort of willing interaction or attention will result from the exchange as seems to be the case here.
While I still continue to absolutely respect and encourage those individuals who have vowed to adhere to pre marital abstinence and view sexual acts as sacred, I do believe this is an issue that cannot be forced. It should be an informed choice and not be a result of cultural or social pressure, for if it is then it is more likely manifest itself in other, often more perverse ways. When something is suppressed forcibly it is much easier for it to take on a life of its own. Perverted rumors can distort any beauty that was once contained within a concept or act as informed guidance is rarer, either through lack of availability or because people are fearful of voicing questions or problems. I do believe that sex itself can provide an intimate and sacred connection between two people if it is undertaken with a mature and more importantly honest attitude. By removing the ability to explore ideas of sexuality in a mature environment, you only increase distortions. In short issues of sexuality, from pre-marital sex to prostitution, exist in Syria, as with any other culture and this is a fact that must be faced up to in order to prevent misinterpretation and exaggerated categorization of sexuality as a result. |
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